Katie Couric, et. all

Before I got out of bed this morning, I decided to turn the TV on for some background noise while clearing the grogginess. This was a mistake. I had the unfortunate experience of catching my first glimpse of the "Today" show in many years.

For the record, "Today" might be the most egregiously worthless television show ever broadcast.

Here is a summary of today's "Today."

- Katie Couric explained that - gasp - soda might be bad for your kids, but she "doesn't want to offend the folks at Pepsi or CocaCola by saying that."

So much for maintaining any pretense this was a news show. With one short sentence, Couric proudly declared she was a shameless shill, and made a mockery of television journalism. (If such a thing even exists anymore).

- Next came a look at the weather.

- Some cheesedick, 50-something anchor chuckled that since Hillary Duff was on the show only moments earlier, he had become a huge fan. He said he planned to go home, get rid of all his old jazz records and listen to Hillary Duff all the time.

(Pause).

Painful chuckle.

Painful chuckle.

(Pause).

- Next came a look at the weather.

- Some gross old entertainment "reporter" waxed about the greatness of the new movie, "Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo," then expressed amazement that Rob Schneider, the movie's star, had second thoughts about making such a piece of cinematic dung.

- And then it's back for a look at the weather.

This show is a pox on the country, filled with the oh-so-witty banter of its clever hosts, who are incapable of offering a critical look at pretty much anything.

What has vexed me since this morning is the ol' chicken-and-egg question. Is it a prerequisite that viewers must exist in sub-moronic stupors before ostensibly enjoying "Today?" Or does the show forcibly melt the mush between their skulls?

Because much like, say, soda, this show will pollute your brainpans.