Fortuna, you vicious slut

Watching the New Orleans floods unfold over the last week, I could not help but wonder how Ignatius J. Reilly would have handled such adversity in his native city.

Reilly, the misanthropic oaf from the fascinating novel "Confederacy of Dunces," certainly would have refused to evacuate his Constantinople Street shack. He had only left town once in his lifetime, taking a trip to Baton Rouge aboard a Greyhound Scenicruiser that turned into a harrowing misadventure.

Surely, he would have thwarted rescuers by informing them of the errors of their blighted worldviews. If they attempted to forcibly remove him, he would have blurted, "Oh, my God! You mongoloids must take your appendages off my magnificent being before I lash your pitiful shoulders."

Exasperated and angered, Ignatius would have been left on his own. Stuck in his room, he would be content to drink Dr. Nut, read Boethius and masturbate into his plastic glove.

As Fortuna spun his wheel downward, however, and the Hurricane hit, his valve would have permanently closed. His Big Chief writing tablets would have been destroyed by rising water, and I'm sad to say, I believe Ignatius would simply been too obese to be rescued via boat.

If you have no idea what I am talking about, then I highly suggest you read John Kennedy Toole's fine novel before I lash you.