heyday of the power ballads

In honor of our newest blogger, SJPsandman, I've compiled the following lists of that favorite '80s phenomenon known as the power ballad. Here are the five best and five worst -- can the two be separated? -- power ballads of that memorable era.

Keep in mind, this is the same timeframe that produced a combination of spiked hair and mullet on a 12-year-old Squawking VFR. Your first thought must be, "No, it's can't be. Squawking VFR was always way too cool for that."

Unfortunately, photographic evidence exists somewhere in my mother's scrapbooks.

The best:

1. Home Sweet Home, Motley Crue.

While they weren't busy getting high and maiming fellow motorists, Vince Neil and company started the formula that defined 1980s metal: Kickstart an album with a rollicking, hard-core tune filled with head-banging glee, then tone the next single down with the power ballad.

The first one was also the best.

It is also worth noting that a friend of mine taught me how to play the piano portions of this on a keyboard. Sometime while we were in college, this grade-school chum OD'd on heroin and died. Guess he was emulating the Crue a little too much.

2. Love Bites, Def Leppard.

A standard. This was very popular among us seventh graders in North Jersey, and played at all school dances. Because we had been jaded by the whole folly of love by age 12, of course.

3. The Ballad of Jayne, L.A. Guns.

What a shame, what happened to Jayne. What happened? We never learn. All we know is Jayne is in Heaven, and it will be one of the great mysteries of the 80s as to how she got there.

4. House of Pain, Faster Pussycat.

Deadbeat dads cause heartache for little boy. At 18, he's still talking to himself. While the lyrics never explicitly state it, we can assume this child is destined for a life of petty crime and delinquency, all because of the lack of a father figure.

5. High Enough, Damn Yankees.

The boundaries of the power ballad are pushed to unforseen heights, and it earns the fifth spot thanks to its over-the-top video.

Channeling Charles Starkweather, the Bonnie-and-Clyde couple in the video have a blast driving around and knocking over liquor stores. An armed batallion of law officers use the element of surprise, descending upon them mid-coitus in the back of a convertible.

She gets caught. He holes up in a home the size of a dollhouse. The police fire more rounds into the house than were used during the entire Vietnam War. Unfortunately, they manage to miss a zebra-clad, gum-chewing Ted Nugent, who's standing on the front porch wailing away on his guitar. Hot bird gets sentenced to death.

Classic.


Now we move onto the worst:

1. When The Children Cry, White Lion.

Political activists masquerading as 80s metal band? It will never work.

2. I Remember You, Skid Row.

Pure made-for-radio schlock. There's no way the same band that made "18 and Life" and "Youth Gone Wild" seemingly churns out this garbage.

3. Time For Change, Motley Crue.

Home Sweet Home rocked. This? It makes Motley Crue sound like a bunch of vaginas. It should also be noted that this song was sung at my eighth-grade graduation, which contributes to its embarrassing downfall.

4. I'll Be There For You, Bon Jovi.

"If you breathe, I want to be the air for you." Vominous.

5. Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Poison.

Fuck Poison.